The kleptomaniac ----------------------- "I would like you to be quiet" The doctor dimmed the light "And answer all my questions," he said "As honestly as you might" "Now before we begin" he announced "I must ensure that you are clear" "That you are here to be treated" "For established Kleptomanier" The young man looked chagrined "What makes you think you're right" "A contrived diagnosis, at its best" "Which I'd contest in any light" "I believe you make a grave mistake" he said, lips defiantly pursed The doctor's words had left a wound which he now sullenly nursed "Its not a disease at all" said he "Its a rare personality trait" "Not all mental problems, you know" "Fall in the same crate" "Its not even a problem," said he "It's eccentricity, at its best" "I think you should foremost prescribe," "A comprehensive IQ test" "I doubt that it's even mental", "It could very well be a serious" "Physical side-effect of untapped" "unredeemed, unacknowledged genius" "If you would run a test, I'm sure" "Of what would invariably ensue" "You'd find my IQ is, oh, well above" "Two hundered twenty two" "Besides, would you please tell me this" "How do you confidently diagnose" "When you haven't run a single test" "On my blood, x-ray, none of those" "I solemnly question your diagnosis" "And I demand a second opinion" "And I demand that tests be run on me" "And I demand a real physician" "I would like you to be quiet" said the doctor Voice cold, his face a mask "Just answer all my questions, please" "Limit your answers to what I ask" "When did this urge first emerge" The impudent doctor began "To take what wasn't truly yours" "Think as far back as you can" "You may call it Kleptomania" "But I dispute that contention" "My senses work on their own when" "Something else commands attention" "I've read from multiple sources" "And I can produce most of those" "Psychiatry is an inexact science" "Even psychiatrists have thier lows" "I'm a decent, innocent man in this age" "Persecuted without reason or rhyme" "Mistreated, maligned, misunderstood genius" "And you aid and abet that crime" ************ His calm composure, his medical oaths Vaporized very quickly at this juncture He lost control, like a four-wheeled wagon Metaphorically, with a four-tire puncture "You know you're on parole, young man", said he "For stealing, then bragging on a blog" "Thirteen counts, from a hardware store" "One count" "Of possesson of a stolen dog" "Not only that", He continued, In a merciless nasal baritone "As they arrested you, and took you in" "You stole the policewoman's phone" "When they were done with you," he continued "You were incarcerated overnight in a cell" "They found three spoons on you next day" "And three socks, and your cellmates unwell" "You'd talked them up and talked them down" "At dawn they extended a joint plea" "To free you on humanitarian grounds, or send you" "In a luxury yacht across the sea" "You have to thank their barrister" "Who undertook your defense for free" "Got it expedited to that very afternoon" "Presented you in court by three" "As you went to the stand," said this cruel man "Two pens disappeared in your wake" "They didn't have the protocol to add this on" "And for those you have a pending case" "And tell me this, young man", he demanded "Where do you think I would find" "Your charge sheet that was read in court" "In your front pockets or those behind?" "They ordered you expeditiously, there" "To be presented to me for evaluation" "And I don't need tests to see that you present" "A case of grave kleptomaniacal persuasion" The young man smirked at a little victory That he'd scored through the doctor's rant The latter's handkerchief, of gorgeous silk Was no longer in the pocket of his pant "And for heaven's sake, as you left the court" "You divested your generous barrister" "Of his finely tailored designer jacket" "Of wool and spun polyester" "Now, if you'd like to dispute my diagnosis" "Very well, Quixote, charge that track" "You're a classic case of Kleptomanier" "Enough to send you to Guantanamo and back" Finally spent, he was quiet, and he looked out the window fastidiously at a tree At length he spoke, a puposeful man "Let's get on with this session, shall we?" ************ His recommendation, after this first session Was of an unusually startling nature "He presents, psychologically, a lethal compliment" "To a criminal of any stature" The intelligence guys, sharp as darts Were immediately on the uptake Inducted him, and solemnly ignored Some things that vanished in his wake In that year of attacks, the whole world saw The BLT group's horrors unfold They gave him an identity, and sent him to live in the midst of their main stronghold The only art they trained him in was to obscure all his information Until he could, convincingly pretend to be a disgruntled immigrant in their nation *********** To the BLT he was a rare combination Golden heart with good English command Was sent to accompany key missions To navigate, negotiate demands Once sent out on a bold mission With a suicide team of three The driver's spectacles vanished and Their car fortunately missed a tree At the airport, about to board a plane They missed one passport and one shoe One person had to then limp back Of the three now, there were two Their hotel of choice, a modest one Was chosen for its low profile Used legacy locks and keys everywhere Front desk used a paper file So the check-in was slow, but finally Each one had a key to his room Two got in, the third one couldn't And began to fret and fume Thereupon, our hero produced fifteen keys And a couple of suitcase locks While the clerk at the hotel's front desk got A series of clinically severe shocks The town hall had a security check But they managed to get through Assembled, strapped on bombs with trigger cords Read their final prayers too Each approached with a press camera Each headed for the target in his sights Each pulled his cord and yelled the final word Each was thereafter read Miranda rights ************ Another time, in a foreign land Six terrorists set siege on a bank Our man, their English ticket through this Brought along to communicate their demand The police maintained a safe distance Press cameras tuned in from worldwide The hostages inside, mortally petrified Were herded into a room on the side Negotiations ensued, in the midst of those Their transmitter and receiver's knob Disappeared, so the receiver wouldn't turn on And the transmitter wouldn't turn off With the option now to only transmit And watch hostages on the side They decided to get thier demands understood Send a hostage to those outside They chose one of them, and on his chest Wrote with a ballpoint pen Terms and conditions they wanted met Said "Walk out on the count of ten" The hostage stepped out, and promptly tripped His shoelace was undone The killer hauled him up at gunpoint, except 'Twas a ballpoint instead of a gun Even that he lowered to brace his trousers Face puzzled, as he probed and felt While on worldwide TV, he was caught on tape Wondering what had happened to his belt The hostage got his cue at this point Sprinted out of the killer's ballpoint range Promptly called up his attorney and logded A three-count stolen goods complaint His attorney arrived, out of context Pompously ignored all interjection Stomped into the bank and stopped, amazed At the four guns trained in his direction They squeezed their triggers on cue almost But the guns didn't fire in unison In fact they didn't perform at all Those guns contained no ammunition Then the hostages and the legal man Individually and separately, in fights Beat the daylights out of four unarmed men Then they were read their Miranda rights The story goes on, year after year The BLT got weaker from inside Like a sturdy monument of finegrained oak Foundations stolen by klepto-termite They had bright ideas, and well-laid plans But somehow they'd get the blights All rome-bound roads led to Guantanamo All instructions to Miranda Rights Our hero, routinely at Gunantanamo Was extricated from there each week Each time released, then deposited back Commended secretly, tongue-in-cheek --------------- 30 Aug. 2016